Posted by: ourwildride | November 8, 2007


I have for some months been lurking on the birth/first mother and adoptee online forums and blogs. I wanted to see their perspectives. I wanted to better understand the internal tension I have been experiencing about T’s adoption.

On one of the boards has been very heated of late and a first mother posted the following: ‘I think it hurts an adoptive mom’s paradigm that we first mothers could go on to be really good parents. That we are not just a sweet little girl that deserve a small part in their child’s life. Does this make sense? The more I think about it the more it makes sense to me. That it makes them uncomfortable that we really are good parents, because it means that we would have been good parents to their children.’

That statement really hit me. And I think it explains much of my personal conflict. I’m not sure (and don’t see how I ever could be) that T’s first mom wouldn’t have been a good mom for him. Sure, she has some pretty big cultural and economic strikes against her. But while I try to be a good mom, I know I’m not perfect either. It’s not cut and dry. Not by a long shot.

If you are interested in reading the perspective of a first mother, the above quoted woman blogs at  She has some other blogs I frequent on her blogroll as well.  I’ve just been to otherwise consumed (and lazy) to set up my own blogroll.


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